Poke through, godammit, I’m bleeding all over the place. Like sands through the hourglass. That’s the way with life, there are these short bursts and then these long assessments of the situation. Christ it hurts! You know you want to, just come on you big beautiful ball of fucking fire, just come on! I’ll just be another schmuck going too fast for downtown traffic, the sun breaking through the clouds as I meet the diner on the corner engine-first. Or as I drive up to the hospital. Whichever.
Why should I care?
Apathy, suffering, apathy. Citizen. I don’t do well in the sun, only point I always felt could possibly bring me down, a little too pale, made for fluorescent light my skin is. Library light, those tall stained-glass windows’ letting in only small, insignificant squares of sunlight, nothing dangerous. I could have stood there bathed in the glow of my little empire, my vast vault of knowledge. Shying from the outside, bossing around the little librarians, feeling always that there was something else I should be doing, enforcing stricter and stricter punishments for those people late with their books. Laughing as they pleaded not to have their children’s rights to the library revoked. “Take me instead”, they would cry but I would show no mercy. Actually I’m probably a better person doing this, doing less harm, aren’t I, you superheated gas bastard of a forgotten god?
Don’t curse, not this close to the edge. What edge? I’m not losing you am I? You won’t quietly slip away while I’m not looking, will you? I need you now more than ever, and you know it. I’ll be nicer to you, just stay in there and I promise that we’ll take a stroll through the park or down by the beach. Without you I’d be less than nothing, I’d be, I wouldn’t even be me. I’ve been blind.
It was never supposed to be this bad, he got me good.
I got him good too, though. I’ll drive off into the sunset, rise, noon, he’s already gone. His pain is gone too. Lucky bastard should have taken his knees and then put one in his gut, eye for an eye. Pain for pain. Bursts of activity. This is a burst, thought it was an assessment, silly me. Silly silly silly. Add another uniform to the toll, Sol, add another poor sap on government duty to the pile, I’ll roast over them, I think. Every action has a reaction, every action is a reaction. You started us off, this is your fault.
Call on me tomorrow, I dare you. Wormsmeat, the pain is much you love-struck little meddler. Stick to the code of honor and only our enemies get hurt, search for peace and we all take a swan dive, right into the asphalt, or the bared sword. However the case may be. There we go!
I knew those day-old clouds would be no match for you, I knew you would bare all. Burn right through those wisps. What are you showing me now? I remember this, she caught the cigarette with one hand, pure coincidence of course, but his drunken throw and her non-chalant hand movement made for one hell of a show. Think I was the only one who saw it, how did you come to know about it? No, no, that doesn’t work, all you were then was a reflection on our sister satellite. And I don’t believe in ESP so don’t even try that on me. A man must have some limits to his faith. Not a complete fool you know. Oh, I know, Santa told you about it, he sees me when I’m sleeping, knows if I’m awake.
Spooky guy, has to be a friend of yours. No offense.
Think that was the night I fell for her, I was looking at the curvy one thinking about what she would look like naked and coming up short but somewhere between his throw and her catch I lost interest in the curvy one. Wait! With the kind of life I’ve led that’s the best you can show me? That’s the crème de la crème? That! Did I lose control of everything that early? Wonder how curvy’s doing. The other one? Catching the cigarette. She married the thrower I think. Don’t exactly stay in touch with the old gang. They never liked me and I never liked them. Too much in control for them. Red light!
Smile at the pedestrians, cross walking. Hello. Yes. Oh, you brought your little dog along with you? Nice day for a stroll now that the sun’s out. Muggy, sure, but it’ll dry right up, you’ll see. Dry right up. A lizard out there bit Frank while he was twisted on something I didn’t touch. I liked driving. No, I liked being in control, thanks Ra, it all makes sense now, and I see every flaw so clearly. Like a dusty apartment coming out of winter and its owner noticing the grime under the dining-room table. Clarification is nice, I suppose. But not that entertaining. Bread and Circus me for Pete’s sake, I’m slipping fast. Frank screamed about it being the worst pain ever, he was sure the arm would have to come off and he was also convinced that any help he gave the hospital staff in this matter would be well received. Took all of us to get that sharp rock away from him. Who the Hell stops at the side of the road in a desert? We did. Mad dogs and Englishmen. There was a precision to the things Frank rambled on about on the backseat as we sped for a waiting Flagstaff, as though he had seen into another world. Couldn’t remember it afterwards. To hear him tell it, he was dancing with three elegant cacti when all of a sudden this business-as-usual reality turned into pure pain. No other way he could explain it. Wasn’t even that bad a bite. Infected.
I’m summing up the wrong bursts. Shit, maybe I simply know what just happened, urgh, I do. Let it simmer a bit, can’t dress it up before it’s not so clear. Know thyself.
See yourself as clearly as the sun does. And now you’re in my eyes. Don’t run now, I know it’s scary but everything will be better really soon, I promise, I promise, I’ll be better to you, better, better stay with me. I remember being without you, you went away for the shortest of moments and all I could do was stand there looking at the corpses. We got used to them and all the other things too. We got used to them together. I know they weren’t your cup of tea but you adapted and I adapted and, I know, I’m ashamed, you adapted the most. Healthy mind in a healthy body. I’m not so healthy now, not healthy at all; I need you to be a counterweight. Hard work.
Working hard is hardly working. Frank said that. It’s true. If you work hard enough then it becomes your life and then there’s no dividing line between work and non-work. Only activity and non-activity. Every action is made to serve the greater, all-encroaching entity that is ones job. This is my hobby; remember that Sol, this is just my hobby. I’m actually a debt collector. In actuality. And you’re just another star up there. Just another one of those little white dots sitting so prettily in the evening sky. You just sit by day. With nothing to do. But roll around Heaven. You don’t scare me, us, you won’t fall, you won’t fade, you won’t implode. Okay, you will fade and you will implode but does the concept of eternity sound familiar to you? I can, without a doubt and without being pretentious tell you that those two things will happen in so long a time that it might as well be in an infinity. Yes I know that’s not what the word ‘infinity’ means but it does to me, in this case, that sword of Damocles that’s been hung over us, it just doesn’t fill me with dread. This is on the level, you understand. Stop honking at me, I’m a dying man.
Oh, green means go, okay.
Good thing this isn’t a stick shift. Don’t have a grip on much of anything right now, much less a clutch. In gear. And I move.
Hey buddy, honk at me tomorrow and you shall find me a grave man. Hmmm. Obviously doesn’t know his classics. Unless you count that gesture. Isn’t it about time we started using some new ones? Or some old ones for that matter?
Thumb biting, all that jazz. Slaves singing in fields. Churches over their heads telling them to sing something else, forget old abilities, trade them in for new ones.
All that’s kept are rhythms. Old ideas about tonality. Ancient. Beyond that even.
Wait a few decades, lose one set of slang words for another and jazz becomes something quite different. Used to be that you would have to be at least partially naked to do it. Clothing is hardly optional these days. Nor is flow, can’t be too strange, no one relishes the arts of chaos anymore, no one grasps that there is no order and there is no chaos, just some sort of existence. Every time you find a path of order you get thrown off it. And looking for a path of chaos doesn’t even make sense as a sentence. If sentences made sense. No, by the time you go I’ll be so long gone that it’s not even clear whether or not anyone will even remember this time and place. Time dwarfs all of us, even you. Get it? It was supposed to be a joke. Guess you’re not in the mood. I’m draining life.
They could always count on me for that, precision, perfection, I never let anyone suffer, never left anyone dying. Stupid word, dying. You are either dead or you are alive. That’s all there is, no in-between. Just on or off. This is faulty wiring, clearly an electrical error of some sort. Do I remember Portland? Which one, there are a few? Oh. Of course. The end, the end. Stupid children. Children. Should have known it would be the religious nuts that got to me in the end. Was that what happened? Let it pass, wait a while, just wait.
In a library of all places. It’s the way religions work. Someone starts a faith, croaks. That someone, call him X has had a trusted friend throughout the years who has been there through pogroms, pilgrimages, trials and book deals and who now sees his chance to be the new X. Well, if only it were that simple. X had family. They were never there before, or too much there sometimes, but now they want a slice of the pie. No, actually, they want the whole pie. And some ice-cream. And a steak dinner to start it off right.
Settled that one out of court, dramatics, nice and quiet in the anthropology wing. Researching what kind of people would make the best followers. Had a kind face.
Great insight. Most people, don’t see me coming. This guy looks me in the eyes and says something about the beginning being the end in and of itself. I thought he had it backwards but I slipped the needle in without asking. Kind, bearded face. Clear eyes. Medium to heavy thomp when he hit the floor. Stayed up until I was right by the exit. Could have sworn I saw him smiling.
You learn to deal with weird shit in this business, learn to accept that some days need to be removed from the central memory banks. One way or another.
So many times over an expert. X bless and protect me now. X watch over me and forgive me, X know that I am only human. X is the power and the kingdom.
And yours, I will not forget the fact that you came through for me. Look, another joke, another pun. Great things, puns. I really liked this car too, never get it clean, never get it clean. Little punning wars, people would tell me that I really killed them. Pun!
Another one. Look, Ra, tell you the truth, I never really took much notice of these women. Sure I fell for them, what with their wicked viles and all, but they were just sorta there, just filling in empty places in the puzzle. It didn’t need to be completed. If we must. You’re the star. Stay with me in there, this’ll be bad for you, grasp onto something nice. A stage. Bathed in light. Smoke filled room. People dressed in black, spikes, nothing special. You, her, up there, belting out a tune, you’re, she’s, doing it well. They’re into it, these freaks, there’s a certain appeal to them. A great one to me. You’re by the typewriter, I’ve asked you not to but there you are and I do like the way you apologize, guilt-ridden musician. Contradiction. You won’t come to bed, she won’t. So there I am on the couch, trying to sleep at first and then pretending. And then asleep. Asleep to the klak klak. Like rain on a window at a soothing pace. You’re perfect right there and then. You know I’m leaving for ‘far away and boring’ the next morning and that I need my sleep and my long goodbye, you know without them I’ll be grouchy throughout the entire trip – you don’t know quite how grouchy I get, I’m not that kind of man. At least I’m not that kind of man, I was never mean. To her. Stilly on the couch. Not moving a muscle. Nothing’ll come to her if she thinks I’m not comfortable.
She was that kind of person. You know that. You know what I had to do to not hurt her.
How much I had to hurt her to not hurt her. The days of our lives.
Put any other person in that situation and they would have handled it worse than I. Sure of that. You do what you have to do and you get the job done. Never took much notice.
With me? Still? Stilly?
I was thinking of a list but this was not it. When that little piece of metal flew at me I had some thoughts as to how this would go and this is just not what I had in mind. Have to tell you, one complaint from me now could spare you loads of complaints from others later, that’s all I’m saying. Hear me out for a little while. We want the highlights that we knew were highlights when we first lived them, don’t go this ‘unexpected’ route. Who am I to argue? I’m the end-user, that’s who! Without me you would be nothing, you didn’t create us we created you. So listen close when I tell you this: No more curves, no more smiles, no more little anecdotes, none of this shit about having been made whole through the flaws in someone else. Too close to the edge, I know. I really do.
When the sunshines sun shine the sun shines sunshine. Wait, that’s all wrong. Frank put it better, someone ought to help him, he was bitten, right over there, hurt he’s hurt, Frank.
When the sun shines we all get dry.
I stole that one for myself, changed it a little bit and called it my own. Must pull over here. Flashing blues in the rearview. Ambulance, Sure are in a hurry. I feel your pain, man. Feel it right here. Ow. To think that I once had complete control, didn’t listen to my body for days on end. Let it think that it’s in control, let it send messages to the brain only to find the courier return all bruised and battered, stammering something about unfriendly natives. Tried not to think of Brahe, that’s an urban myth and we all know it. The body will leak out whatever needs to be leaked out. Not even the pros can keep that from happening. Sometimes they mix flour with water and just pour it on instead, we can’t tell the difference, we’re too busy reconsidering our lines of work and finding that the coffee table is just about a foot too far away. Maybe he ruptured his spleen, broke a leg. Break a leg. Lucky stiff. Corpse with a winning lottery ticket. Hear that one?
Improving my set. Everything’s drying off nicely by now, you’re in a good mood, huh?
Good to hear it. I could remain unseen unheard undetected for days, you know it’s true, days. Body takes care of itself with the mind set on ‘low’, slowly regulating.
Starting up again was always a bitch. Usually, the two times I had to, I’d do the thing, roll into some undergrowth to hide from you and them, and start to slowly twitch myself back to some sort of movable state before they could start triangulating.
My mind’s on work. Working hard is hardly working, Frank, it’s hardly working, I need some sort of clue, you spoke so clearly in the desert, Frank, speak so clearly in the city now. This car’s as empty as they come, barely anyone in it at all. Barely even me. You won’t even notice that I’m here, you can collapse in the back and lie there; twisted and hurt, matter over mind. I can’t do this alone.
So. So that’s it. That’s all there is to it. Strip me down, Apollo, that I may see the true human nature of my human nature. Walk me through the crowded arcades of my teen years to tell me of the games we play in self-inflicted solitude all the while surrounding ourselves with every shape and form of humanity.
How trite.
I was in that closet for three whole days, you think this didn’t occur to me then? You think all I thought about was being quiet and not getting hurt. Please, don’t think so lowly of me. I can hear you, can’t I, I know I created you but I can hear you, and I can hear him and remember Frank and neither you nor all these women you throw at me from blind and deceptive angles will do any damage to my sense of self and my ability to cope with the world I found way back then. Go hide behind a cloud!
No. Wait. You need to see this I need you to see this You need to stay here.
It won’t take long, we both know that. That leaves us here. With you taking pot-shots. Let’s go, then, let’s get this show off the ground and this baby on the road. Throw caution to the wind, you and I. Let’s just take that romp through Tabr and down Paradise and take the road home with Stephen. If you really want to prove the coldhearted Scrooge in me a liar then those are the streets we’ll have to walk. Word of warning, though, I might have left before I leave. You understand I’m sure.
TheOneICannotLeaveEvenWhenIHaveLeftHer, TheStatisticalAndBiologicalImpossibility, TheOneWhoHaunts, to Hell with it, Camille. Camille by the fireplace and I’m settling down. She’s surrounded me with books and Freud would have loved that and I’m settling down with her and my own analyst would have loved it too for that matter. And I loved it. Loved every second of it. Never felt that it was doomed, never saw an end, no long trips apart, no friends feeling insecure, no in-laws, none whatsoever. Just this feeling of eternity. I already told you how I feel about eternity, it’s my eternity, not yours, you can’t have it. The way she’d dress up for nights out, dress down for nights in. The way her smile to someone else was always just for me and me alone. You can try and put a schematic to life, I could try and do some sort of ‘before’ and ‘after’ recap of my existence thus far but it would be faulty. No matter what kinds of routine are enforced by ones occupation one cannot help but have days that stand out. Years. I think that’s one of the reasons they have such a hard time believing in me, I was gone for so long. And I’m the best. Don’t think I’ll forget that just because you parade the past, don’t think I’ll be anything less if you remove me from myself. Actually, this is making me stronger.
That wasn’t a thank you. You know that, right? I don’t thank my toaster, I don’t thank my car, I don’t thank gravity. I don’t owe you a thank you. You owe me one but we’ve been over that. One morning she comes in, crying, and everything slips from there. You know the details, how far it slips. How badly I screw up. I went from one to another, no transition, unfamiliar territory. And I could never let anyone know. Not even her.
This secret. I’m always me; I only wear a mask at work, only hide anything of myself there. I’ve known those types of people who hid behind briefcases and shone most clearly behind knives and guns and poisons. I’ve always felt blessed that I was not one of those.
She knew me. Knew the real me. LV back there, she didn’t. But ThatWhichIsOnlyJoyEvenInPain knew me. So when I had to leave and had to tell her why and couldn’t she did what I knew she would and what I hoped she’s do and what I feared the most. She accepted. Quietly. I felt like I had killed her.
Oh I hope there’s a Hell just for him, this kind of pain shouldn’t even exist, I thought pain was there for the body to be able to tell the brain to stop doing something. Right. I’ll stop being shot, just give me a minute. Him too, there’s got to be a Hell for him too.
Names are meaningless. I left her because I had to. Had to leave her because someone said something about her and I did something to them, the aforementioned ‘him’.
The instant I did something inside me woke up and none of it mattered. Something poked through all those layers around me. There was nothing neat, tidy or quick about what I did to him. Not that he didn’t have it coming, it’s just, well, you learn to have some professional feeling towards the thing. Detachment. I felt his pain and knowing that it was his pain made it the best thing I had ever felt. Better than her.
This is really deep and all but where are you going with it, I just lost all the feeling in my right foot, breaking could become a problem. Also I’m cold. Who knew this kind of thing could turn you into a whiner? Only things I’ve ever really balked at have been the terrorism of Time or the way sudden phone calls could drag me from literary pursuits only to find me detached from plotlines and historical analyses for months on end all just to dispatch one little mortal. Knives and guns and poisons. Still with me? Still with me?
Oy, look what you’ve gone and done. Helios you bastard, I’m dead now. There’s no hope left. The last glimmer of me, gone. All that’s left is this heartbeat, this blood, these two hands on the wheel. Ten and two. Slowly dripping from me, minutes, slowly fading, but they don’t care whether they’re the first or the last. No, they feel good just passing. Raindrops falling towards the tarmac, planes taking off hitting them before they ever get close to the International Terminal. Ah, everything ends, even the end ends.
Flash!
“You’re the one I’ve been looking for for so long, the renegade, the renegade”
And all I could think about was that guy on the Harley with his stereotype friend behind the desk, never getting too involved. Only six, he hadn’t even killed them himself I think. Ancestral murders.
He was a Child, the man who shot me was a Child and I didn’t even consider it. Great, just great, I could have been somewhere dry clean safe well fed and I go and take out my meal ticket. Should have guessed it, only religious people talk like that. Wonder if they’re looking for someone who’s really a renegade or if they expected me to just sort of come along quietly upon explaining the situation to me. The one he’d been looking for for so long, dear me I’ve become attached to uniforms haven’t I? Never saw past the badge and the dead-partner stains on those wonderfully functional pants. He thought I was the one to deliver him. Them. Deliver them. This is too rich. But what in the name of You does it have to do with all those women? Guess being pulled from a book only to return to it later sort of does constitute a temporal terrorist act, so I guess that brings the list down to one. There’s that diner over there, no, can’t angle it right, would be more of an impotent scrape and some structural damage. Not what I feel like right now, I’m not going alone. Some brunching family can join me, better hurry then actually, brunch is almost over and I shall be too late. Nay I fear too early. Enough with the women. I am mankind’s last hope, bleeding out in a car chosen for its anonymity in a city relatively unknown to the world. If this was your master plan then I’ve got to be honest and lay on you the fact that there are a few kinks in it. Considering you’ve had since the beginning to sort things out this really is scandalous. Horrible. Downright wrong. I might even cancel my subscription. He wanted me to save him, forgive them for they know not what they do. There’s a chapter in town then. Maybe they’ll be less structurally protected, could end a few of them. Would be doing them a favor, you know that Sol, I’ll be good for goodness sake. Meanwhile, people are beginning to stare. Wonder how fast, slow, I’m going. If I look down I don’t think I’ll be able to look up. Bloody palm print, passenger side window. Had to reach over. Dramatics, not on purpose this time, though. So who’ll they call first? The people who would stop me or the people who would help me keep going? I’ll be stopped. Dead. People know a job half done when they see it.
The Children are still looking for someone to fill the vacancy. I should go there, they’d let me in at least, once in never out, no matter if all I did was rearranging their political landscape. Religions usually go for the inside crowd to take care of stuff like that, I seemed so out of place. In water you can’t panic, in this job you can’t seem out of place.
This wind you speak of? It blows us from ourselves. What wind? Are you pulling clouds along again? This wind, this wind, the Children, strangest bunch of people you ever did meet, they’d save me. That’s ‘save’ of course. But also just the straightforward kind of save. I need to be saved right now, need it more than ever before. Not feasible.
That’s the pain talking. Have I run out of females already? Should we proceed to males? Thought not. Disjointed. Alone. One is never alone if one has oneself.
Alone. The now. Nothing as alone as the now.
Nothing as fragile, we all say that, often, maybe too often, loses some power, some oomph. ‘Now’ I am alone, ‘now’ I have always been alone, ‘now’ I shall be alone no longer. All the bridges are burning, but I’ll never have to lose what I’ve lost once. Not again. Once something ends it begins to live forever, once something is gone there are no more boundaries to hold it back from eternity. I guess that’s why I’m not going to the Children. Not because I disagree with all religion but because I disagree with theirs.
“He’s the renegade, don’t shoot him!”
“The renegade? What are you talking about?! I won’t shoot him if he just gets on the goddamn ground, now, sir!”
So courteous when they travel in pairs.
I could be the Messiah, anointed, could have been, how’s that for a final howl?
He cried from the backseat. Cried, then, not now, he’s not here, I’m the snake now. In the dunes. Watch out, tell them I’m coming Star-that-is-not-God, warn them. I’m already here. Departing and arriving. I’ll slither forever, plenty of places to go. Call me a renegade? I’m a serpent at thy womb, a creepy crawly fiend, not a renegade, a savior, not a librarian, fangmouth, poisontongue. It’s a good thing you’ve got your eyes on the road, I really should not be driving. Enough city. No hospital for me and all my raving. That’s settled. I’ll amble down this road here, and down that road there then later, ow. We came from my little confrontation, I’ll focus, I’ll focus, and how the one recognized me for something and the other recognized neither his partner nor me. How’d we get there? It’s easier to keep track of my plasma patterns on the seat than our little conversation, you need to keep me on a shorter leash.
They cornered me somewhere, came at me with helicopters and vans and cars and bikes and people on foot, like a fox flushed out of a bush, like a car driven into a trap and I ran and ran and they had me. They fucking had me. No, mind my tongue and watch my language. It was like I lit an ancient fire, someone may say, day in and day out, that they will never and have never believed in something they were told as kids, they may claim to have grown beyond it, but when it’s right there it’s hard to logic ones way out of. Santa Claus in the hallway and Jesus at the end of the trail of corpses.
It’ll blow me right out of town, blow me where I belong, it’s just as well, I’ve caused so much nature in my time, nature should get a chance at me, get in a cheap shot, I might be on my knees but that won’t make this less fair. I can disappear all I want, the fact that I have not procreated, not created at all, destroyed, that changes not the chances for the race at large, sapiens sapiens will get along fine. Mankind. Man. The big bombs are no match for your light, I make no mistake, don’t worry the light that vaporizes is still to be respected. But we’ll survive in the end, we’ll conquer even the end of the world. The World. Killers like me are no danger. Man conquers. There’s no way in any of the many Hells that any one individual could wipe them all out, billions upon billions, spread like a small amount of margarine over a huge bagel. Spinning. Man conquers. Wipe them out, I mean us, I meant us. Yeah. Continents, diseases, the whim of women. A slow hand, a fierce mouth, passion to passion fire to fire, until everything is engulfed in flame. A trigger is a trigger. Fire and passion and we are all engulfed. I’m de-evolving it seems. I’ve just hit ‘angsty pre-teen with a crush’, messing around with universal theories, everything is everything, stellar matter, guys with microscopes closer to the truth than Machiavelli ever was. This is the really real world. There’s no coming back. No matter what kind of chaos one has caused.
But you, when you go, You, you’ll get to cause a ruckus and then spread all over the universe. Flowers will grow from me, planets will grow from You. Only so much matter out there, strict recycling laws. I’m running stop signs now. Red lights are next.
Old fires once lit take a long, long time to burn away, to ash, I didn’t give him that time, no one second more powerful than the other, but that one was his last. Should have been. He was well trained, well and fully trained. He bought himself enough meaningless seconds to make sure that my end is agony. All those years of training.
That’s all survival is, all there is to all of this. We are weak, we grow stronger, we are weak. And we’re the only ones who notice. I have changed so many lives in my time, not just those I ended, but also the multitude, the host, of next-of-kin, to think I once had complete control. Still, I mean, still, Johnny Normalguy couldn’t do this, not with all the pain pain pain pain, he couldn’t drive a car with a modicum of care out of city limits. Good for me. We worry about age and how old we’ll get, we worry and you laugh. I can hear you sometimes. Age makes no difference, you’ll ruin us all, won’t you? You’ll dry us out, wrinkle us, cancer us, cancer us. ‘Cause it’s a moderation thing, you work enough years exclusively at night and you all of a sudden remember some of the good things that most horrible day can bring with it, that most horrible day more than deceives one with. Pale bodies shying away, eyes know pain from the inside. These are the choices we make, the true choices we have in life, the ones we miss even when they are simply threatened: How will we balance our days, when will we dream and when will we hunger? You burn us, the other one cools us down, rhythms, paces, confidence. But, but we need you! A nice little racket you’ve got set up, protection, pretty skin you’ve got there, be a shame if it paled out, real shame. We spin at odd angles at odd seasons, we simply cannot see you as much as we need. We make you worthwhile, you repay with scorn. It’s our planet! Too bad. Too bad for us. Can’t show our respects? Shame. Depression follows, our eyes fail, our skin forgets itself, out joints creaking. And we’ll try and cheat you, we’ve redirected oceans, planted forests, left flags far from home, destroyed and healed. Nothing doing, strange shades of brown, the eyes, the nose, these know the shades that you had no part in creating. The physician will tell us that you’re dangerous yes, but that, on the other hand, any blue-lighted simile fashioned by us will kill us and then go to work on us. Give me sweet night. Dreamless. He howled about sweet night, sweet dreamless night, howled, like hearing someone recite opera lyrics at a whisper, these punctuated, guttural sounds. Blood and blood and howling. My memories of that day will soon be no more than a sad pile of mould. Where was I? X marks it. Perchance to dream. No more. I’m not that much of a fool. Mentors can be younger, those we teach much older. Music, love, hope, sunlight. No second more powerful than another. We imbue, add ourselves to nature to describe it. Blips on the radar, ducks in the turbine. There is no dying, no gradual transforpainmation from a to b. Clear pain steps rather. Moving forward, moving pain on. Snake in the sand. Wheel in my hand.
I’m always driving somewhere, always somewhere I have to go. Let’s end that, You and I, let’s put me to rest, there’s a tree, there’s a suburb full of them, let’s ease it in here. Eventually. I don’t want to be here. Simple truth. Despite all the facts and all the words. I want to be in a real, silent, stilly still forest, surrounded by real trees, free trees, huge trees, I want to sit on a glacier, lie on a rock, think about being here, sure sure, thinking.
There Is Absolutely No Way I Could Have Avoided This, not fate just preference. I could have lived to sit on glaciers and all that, could have pain, that’s not right, I could have pain. Pain. If I had suffered for years maybe I would have had a few more to suffer in. Instead I do all the suffering now. And on rooftops. And during training. And with the dead eyes. And the pain. I don’t want to be here.
